Helping Yourself Heal After Someone Loved Dies
(Adapted from article written by Alan D. Wolfelt, 1991)
1) Move towards your grief and heal
You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal. Grief is a process, not an event . It's ok to cry and express your sadness. Not just ok but necessary.
2) Realize your grief is unique
No one will grieve in exactly the same way that you do. You will grieve in your own special way. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people . Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.
3) Talk about your grief
Express your grief openly. By sharing, healing will occur. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Allow yourself to speak from y our heart and not just from your head. Avoid people who are critical of you or tell you to be happy. You have a right to express your grief.
4) Expect to feel a multitude of emotions
Experiencing loss affects your head, heart and spirit. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel. They are all normal and healthy. Grief attacks which may overwhelm you are a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.
5) Allow for numbness
Feeling dazed or numb is often part of your early grief experience. It serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don’t want to believe.
6) Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits
Your feelings of loss may leave you fatigued. You may experience low fatigue, and you may need to slow down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.
7) Develop a support system
Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings: both happy and sad.
8) Embrace your spirituality
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. If you are angry at God, realize that this is a normal part of your grief work. Surround yourself with people who share your religious beliefs.
9) Allow a search for meaning
Search for the meaning of why someone died is a normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers, and some don’t. The healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions , not necessarily in answering them.
10) Treasure your memories
Memories are the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies. Treasure them and share them with friends and family. Keep pictures on table tops and speak of your loved one.
Please call me, Tabasom, today at (604) 889-3635 to find out whether counselling is a safe option for you at this time.
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What is Abuse? - A Warning List
Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, many abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence or abuse in a physical form, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse. Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married, living together, separated, or dating.
If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you, it is indicative of abuse and should not be kept a secret. This problem will only escalate in silence and further isolation will occur.
Some warning signs include:
▪ Pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
▪ Threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
▪ Threatening suicide to get you to do something
▪ Using or threatening to use a weapon against you
▪ Keeping or taking your paycheck and controlling your bank account
▪ Puts you down or makes you feel bad
▪ Forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
▪ Keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
▪ Slowly isolating you from your family and cutting off all ties
▪ Making you feel as though YOU are the problem and bringing in a lot of doubt about whether you are actually being abused.
You don’t need to suffer in silence. There are many resources and services out there. Your first step is to reach out and talk to someone.
Please call me, Tabasom, today at (604) 889-3635 to find out whether counselling is a safe option for you at this time.
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10 Tips for dealing with the Holiday Blues
The holiday season is a time for love and festivities. However, for some people it is also a time of sadness and depression, some of the reasons being the high stress that the season brings with it, financial burdens, the weather and the memories of loved ones who have moved or passed away.
When depression visits us, we may resort to inactivity as a way of self care and comfort. But inactivity only makes the depression worse, and leads us to get caught up in a cycle that’s hard to get out of.
In order to feel better, re-introducing activity in your life may be the key. Here are ten tips for re-activating your life and separating yourself from depression:
1) You have to do the OPPOSITE of what you feel like doing. If you don’t feel like talking to someone, pick up the phone any ways and call a friend. If you don’t feel like exercising, go for a five or ten minute walk.
2) The intention is NOT to enjoy the activity but to just do it. Don’t go into the activity e.g. walking, swimming or visiting friends and then stop with the thought “I am not enjoying it so I don’t do it again!” You’re not doing it to enjoy but to re-activate your life.
3) Motivation comes after we start something, not before. Start small. With each small success, motivation will grow. Open a few pieces of mail, vacuum one room, run some errands.
4) Any goal setting has to be done at a level WAY below your normal level. If you could run for 45 minutes last year, start with a ten minute walk. Make sure your goals are small and scheduled – so say “I’ll go for a ten minute walk” and NOT “I’ll go for a walk”.
5) Watch your caffeine intake. A lot of people say “I’m not sleeping because I feel depressed or anxious”; however, lack of sleep leads to feelings of depression and anxiety. If you’re not sleeping well, talk to your doctor and watch your caffeine intake. Try to keep it at around 200 mg per day. This is about one cup of coffee or 2 cups of black tea a day. Stop drinking caffeine mid-day onwards and stick to non-caffeinated beverages.
6) Take your vitamins like Vitamin D3, Omega 3, Vitamin B12 and a good multi-vitamin. Talk to your doctor to see what your body may be lacking and for dosage.
7) Exercise. It doesn’t really matter if it’s aerobic or anaerobic, but if you can tolerate aerobic, then choose that. Exercise releases endorphins which has a positive effect on our mood. Energy levels go up and exercise also helps burn stress.
8) Eat small meals. During times of depression, we may not have the energy to prepare meals and may resort to fast food and food high in sugar. Pick up some fruit, nuts and easy to prepare meals like ready made salads and veggie packs for snacks.
9) Problems grow in secret. Talk to someone about what is bothering you – whether you’re lonely, sad, angry, or dealing with fear and panic. Talk to a loved one, a therapist or a good friend.
10) Watch your alcohol intake. Alcohol is a depressant so if you’re self medicating with alcohol, it’s like taking a depressant to get rid of the depression which is counter-intuitive. Alcohol takes away our ability to problem-solve and deal with the thoughts and emotions that are creating problems in our life today.
This is only a small list of what you can do. Make sure you reach out and talk to someone, whether it’s a friend, a therapist or your family doctor. You don’t need to suffer alone.
To find out if counselling would benefit you in your life today, please call me at (604) 889-3635 to discuss your issues. To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604) 465-4263.
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Do you have a moment frozen in time, that still haunts you and brings back deep emotional pain?
EMDR is a wonderful technique that has helped many suffering from trauma and emotional scars.
What is EMDR?
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) incorporates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy with bilateral eye movements or other forms of rhythmic, left-right stimulation. One of the key elements of EMDR is “dual stimulation.” During treatment, you are asked to think or talk about memories, triggers, and painful emotions while simultaneously focusing on your therapist’s moving finger or another form of bilateral stimuli. In a typical EMDR therapy session, you focus on traumatic memories and associated negative emotions and beliefs while tracking your therapist’s moving finger with your eyes as it moves back and forth across your field of vision. Other forms of external stimuli that may be used in EMDR therapy include bilateral tactile sensations and sounds (e.g. alternating hand taps or a chime that pans back and forth from ear to ear).
How does EMDR therapy work?
At the time of a traumatic event, strong emotions interfere with our ability to completely process the experience and one moment becomes “frozen in time.” Recalling the traumatic event may feel as though the person is reliving the event all over again because the images, smells, sounds, and feelings are still there and can be triggered in the present. When activated, these memories cause a negative impact on our daily functioning and interfere with the way we see ourselves and our world, and how we relate to others.
EMDR therapy appears to directly affect the brain, “unfreezing” the traumatic memories, allowing you to resolve them. Over time the disturbing memory and associated beliefs, feelings, sensations become “digested” or worked through until you are able to think about the event without reliving it. The memory is still there, but it is less upsetting.
The exact mechanism for the effectiveness of EMDR is yet unknown. It appears that using rapid eye movements relieves the anxiety associated with the trauma so that the original event can be examined from a more detached perspective, somewhat like watching a movie of what happened. This enables you to access positive ways of reframing the original trauma (reprocessing), and to release the body’s stored negative emotional charges around it (desensitization). Some experts have noted that the eye movements involved in EMDR might be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. It may be thought of as a physiologically-based therapy that allows a person to see material in a new and less distressing way. Others believe it reactivates parts of the brain that were “shut down” as a coping mechanism. In this way cognitive reorganizing takes place, allowing the negative, painful emotions to give way to more resolved, empowered feelings.
EMDR is extremely helpful for victims of rape, & sexual molestation. Those who are still in a state of grief and loss over the death of loved ones have also reported relief from the looped images and negative internal talk. EMDR also helps those suffering from anxiety, depression or those living with a serious illness.
Please call Tabasom at 604-889-3635 to discuss whether EMDR will be helpful to you.
To make an appointment for a counselling session with Tabasom, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at 604-465-4263.
Watch Tabasom Eblaghie on CTV news talking about Secondary Trauma
What is Secondary Trauma and have I been affected as a result of the Earthquake & Tsunami in Japan?
By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Generate Hope Counselling Services
After watching the news for a few days and clearly witnessing the horror and trauma of the people of Japan, its hard to avoid the feelings of deep pain, anxiety, helplessness & anxiety. We do know about trauma but few talk about the effects of vicarious trauma.
Secondary or vicarious trauma can occur when you see or hear about a traumatic event, and even if it didn’t happen to you, the effects are felt as though it did.
Our society is changing – we are all becoming reporters and journalists of our own lives. No one could capture the images that are coming out of Japan as well as those who actually went through it. Like never before we are seeing very graphic images of what happened. It makes it that much more real for us, like we were right there with the victims of the earthquake and the tsunami. The screaming of the victims, and their terror seeps into every image and video and our nervous system reacts as though we were right there with them.
Who is at risk?
Anyone can become vicariously traumatized through seeing and hearing about traumatic events. The effect may be more on individuals with:
1) A past history of unresolved trauma - the images may serve as a trigger
2) Friends and family living in the area
3) Those whose lives feel out of balance at the present moment, or are experiencing a sense of isolation.
What are the symptoms we should look for?
* Do you have intrusive thoughts of the event, even when you didn't mean to think about it?
* Are you re-playing the horror of it over and over again in your head?
* Disturbed sleep
* Digestion problems
* Anger
* Anxiety
* Depression and sadness
* Emotional exhaustion
* Trouble making decisions
* Difficulty concentrating
* Difficulty remembering things
* Increase in addictive behaviors
* Withdrawing & isolation from loved ones and friends
Secondary trauma affects those who are sensitive and kind and should not be thought of as a sign of weakness.
What can we do to reduce the effects of vicarious trauma? When life gets out of control, that’s when we need to slow down and figure out what is actually in our control and take action.
Here are a few suggestions:
1) We can talk to others. Reach out to our loved ones, friends and co-workers. Therapy is also another way of dealing with the grief & trauma.
2) Reduce number of hours spent watching the news and select our news channel wisely. Some stations are more prone to fast paced language and terror schemes to horrify and scare us.
3) Stop watching all news at a reasonable time at night so that our mind and body has time to wind down and relax. Watching news until right before bed may deeply affect our sleep and general feeling of well-being.
4) Going outside for some fresh air. Deep breathing and a quick walk will do wonders for reducing anxiety and tension.
5) Exercise! Half an hour of exercise is the equivalent of taking an anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressant.
6) Appreciate our lives. There is so much to be grateful for, even if it’s as simple as the fresh air we breathe or the clean water that we enjoy.
7) Pray. We can’t forget our spiritual side.
8) Eat & drink healthy. It becomes very easy to reach for “unhealthy” snacks or drinks when we are under stress, which will make us crash and burn. Reach for healthy fruits and vegetables, and drink lots of water.
9) Nurture those relationships that are important to you. Having that sense of belonging and shared understanding of the trauma will leave us feeling more balanced and in control.
10) Volunteer or donate money to reputable organizations that are helping those in need. By reaching out and giving rather than going inwards and isolating ourselves, we can maintain better mental health.
To make an appointment for a counselling session with Tabasom, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at 604-465-4263.
Watch Tabasom Eblaghie on CTV news talking about Support for 16 year old victim of rape in Pitt Meadows - September 20, 2010
Facebook group defends men in alleged gang rape
CTV British Columbia News - September 20, 2010
As thousands flock to a Facebook group supporting a 16-year-old alleged gang rape victim from B.C., an opposing group has formed to question the veracity of her claims.
More than 7,200 people have joined the "Support for 16yr old victim in Pitt Meadows" group since it was created on Thursday, many offering kind words to the girl police believe was sexually assaulted at a rave party on Sept. 10.
"I hate with all my being what happened to you," Coralee Wiseman wrote. "All I can say is that you will move on from this a stronger woman and you will be whole again."
But an opposing group, "Reasonable doubt in Pitt Meadows," has also formed. Its description says it is "for the people who have yet to jump on the bandwagon headed out to lynch the men/boys involved."
"The police believe they have physical and medical evidence, but there is a difference between evidence used to arrest and evidence used to convict and the judicial process will determine what evidence there is and what it means," it reads.
Several members have claimed the girl voluntarily took drugs, lied to police and agreed to have sex with multiple partners.
Police have adamantly denied the sex was consensual. Insp. Derren Lench told reporters at a Friday press conference that "it's very clear from her physical injuries and her recollection of it and the evidence that we've collected that she was not a willing participant."
"It's very clear she was raped by more than one individual and there was no consent at all."
Police believe the girl was under the influence of drugs, but are awaiting the results of a toxicology report to determine what kind.
The girl's father says she has gone back to school. Teen counselor Tabasom Eblaghie says it's important for teachers and faculty to ensure her return is bearable.
School staff must watch over the alleged victim to ensure "there is an atmosphere of respect and that she can maintain her dignity," Eblaghie said.
"It might be good to bring an outsider in to provide perhaps information and education for the teachers, for the students, to be able to understand where she's coming from."
Meanwhile, authorities have been desperately trying to have photos of the incident that were posted online, and which constitute child pornography, scrubbed from the internet.
They have been collaborating with technical crime experts in Ottawa and Facebook staff directly, but say there's an uphill battle ahead and the photos may remain on the internet forever.
With a report from CTV British Columbia's Julia Foy
To make an appointment for an individual or couples counselling session, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
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The Five Love Languages
By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Generate Hope Counselling Services
Adapted from the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
LOVE:
Part of maintaining a friendship-based relationship includes ensuring that you know how to express love for each other and do it well. If you are having doubts whether your partner loves you, or your partner is uncertain about your feelings, your relationship begins to feel very insecure. The more you use loving words and practice loving actions towards each other, the more your feelings of love will grow. One of our most basic needs is the need to be loved. It is essential to our emotional health.
Knowing how to express one’s love is more than just saying the words ‘I love you’, even though this may be a part of it.
Gary Chapman quotes Dr. Ross Campbell, a child psychiatrist:
“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehaviour of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty love tank.”
This can also be applied to adults. When one’s love tank is on empty, you may see ‘misbehaviour’ as a misguided search for the love one doesn’t feel.
The need to be loved is at the heart of one’s relationship desires. The most cruel of all punishments is solitary confinement – isolation is devastating to our mental and overall well-being.
In the Sacred Scriptures of many religions it is written that man and woman, upon marriage, become as one. In a loving relationship, which is founded on justice, equality and unity, marriage becomes that fortress of well-being.
What happens when our emotional love tank’s gauge is on empty? Running your marriage on an empty love tank is destructive to the marriage, and to your own well-being.
Gary Chapman has identified FIVE DIFFERENT ways of showing our love, or the Five Love Languages. We express our love in a variety of ways and if we don’t receive love in the language which we speak, then we may end up feeling unloved. In order for our partner to feel loved, we must learn to speak THEIR love language or our efforts will be wasted. To determine your love language and that of your partner's, look at the following list and answer the questions that follow:
LOVE LANGUAGE #1 – WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Using words that build up the other person;
Verbal compliments & words of appreciation;
Praise
Encouraging language – words that inspire courage;
Noticing and appreciating the other’s positive actions and qualities
Focuses on what we are saying.
LOVE LANGUAGE #2 – QUALITY TIME
Being available
Doing something enjoyable and interactive together
Giving someone our undivided, uninterrupted and focused attention
Togetherness
Quality conversation – focuses on what we’re hearing.
Creating memorable moments
Self revealing intimacy
LOVE LANGUAGE # 3 – GIFTS
Tangible objects freely offered
Visual symbols of love: “I was thinking of you”.
Gifts of any shape, colour, size or price
Visual symbols of love with no strings attached or to cover up a failure
They are given any time and not just on special occasions
Easiest of all love language.
LOVE LANGUAGE # 4 – ACTS OF SERVICE
Willingly doing things for others in order to show our love;
Welcome helpfulness
Timely and positive response to requests (not demands) of the other
Acts of kindness
Done with a loving attitude (not fear, guilt or resentment)
Acts that reflect equality and partnership
Requires thought, planning, time, effort and energy.
LOVE LANGUAGE # 5 – PHYSICAL TOUCH
Fundamental to the development of our brain - children who are held, hugged and kissed develop healthier emotional life;
Holding hands, kissing, embracing, cuddling all forms of this love language;
Loving (never abusive) physical contact at appropriate times and places
Tender hugs, touches or pats on the arm, shoulder and back
Physical touch can communicate hate or love
Sexual relationship
Holding while crying and comforting
Very important in times of crisis.
Three ways to discover your own primary love language:
1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?
To determine someone else’s love language, Chapman recommends:
Observing their expressions, complaints and requests
Asking questions
Experimenting with offering each love language to a partner, friend or relative and observing their responses.
Feeling loved is at the core of a loving relationship. Often arguments, irritation at our partner or anger arises when we feel unloved and unheard. If you have been experiencing these issues in your relationship, perhaps its time to seek counselling before its too late.
To make an appointment for couples counselling with Tabasom, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at 604-465-4263.
SELF CONFIDENCE
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
Self confidence is an issue that many individuals struggle with. I love the following definition of what confidence is which I found through the "Virtues Project" cards by Linda Kavelin Popov, who is also the author of The Family Virtues Guide:
Confidence is having faith in ourselves and in life. We feel capable and competent. We trust that we have the strength to cope with whatever happens. Confidence helps us to be free of worry. When we are confident in others, we believe in them and rely on them. We build self-confidence as we learn from our mistakes and improve for the better. Confidence brings the strength to try new things, to gain mastery through practice. With confidence, we can off self-limiting beliefs and doubts. We offer our gifts as a worthy contribution. When opportunity comes, we step up to it. We just say “yes”.~ The Virtues Project
Philosophers and great writers of our time have contemplated this issue and below are some of my favourite quotes on the subject:
“Only a person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.” ~ Erich Fromm
~ I have the strength to face what life brings me ~
“Man has two powers, and his development two aspects. One power is connected with the material world and by it he is capable of material advancement. The other power is spiritual and through its development his inner, potential nature is awakened. These powers are like two wings. Both must be developed, for flight is impossible with one wing.”
~ 'Abdu’l-Baha
"A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her." ~David Brinkley
~ I act with self-assurance
“Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.” ~Henry Ford
“I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn't fall down.” ~Allen H. Neuharth
~ I treat others as trustworthy ~
“If you put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” ~Author Unknown
“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.” ~Sally Field
~ I bless my mistakes and learn from them ~
“People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet.” ~Sa'Di
“Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” ~Veronica A. Shoffstall
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” ~ African Proverb
“The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.” ~Author Unknown
~ I patiently practice until I master something ~
“Do not, therefore, throw away your confidence, for it carries a great reward.” Hebrews, 10:35
~ I fully express my talents and ideas ~
“To live is to choose. But to choose, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go, and why you want to get there.” ~ Kofi Annan
“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.” ~ Confucious
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” ~Thomas Edison
”If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
~ I maintain a positive attitude ~
“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” ~ Lao Tzu
THE STRESS RESPONSE
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
Have you been under a lot of stress lately? That’s not so unusual in our North American lifestyle where 12-16 hour days at some workplaces are not only encouraged, but expected. Additional responsibilities like running a household, parenting, family expectations, issues with friends and other activities can make us long for 28 hour days!
Stress is very closely related to a variety of emotions: anger, anxiety, depression, fear, excitement, etc. The stress response developed in pre-historic man as a mechanism for dealing with threat: you see a lion or bear, either stay and fight or run! Those who ran the fastest lived on to reproduce and have off springs. Others weren’t so lucky. Survival of the fittest created an advantage for the ones who made themselves stronger whenever they were threatened.
The stress response is an extremely clever system. When its activated, blood rushes away from the skin and our internal, digestive system to the large muscles in our legs and arms, preparing us to either run or stay and fight. Our heart rate goes up and respiration increases to maximize the amount of oxygen available to us. Sugar is released into the bloodstream by the liver. We sweat more in anticipation of the heat generated by running or fighting. Our concentration narrows and our senses sharpen. We feel anger or anxiety and fear. All of these are created to improve our ability to survive the impending physical crisis.
At some point in our lives, the stress response is definitely helpful. However, most of them time we don’t have lions or bears in our environment! The stress response in a lot of cases becomes active and perhaps a constant false alarm, and endless worry sets in.
When the stress response is activated a few things happen: (1) Our internal organs shut down so if we have just had a meal, the food may feel like lead and heavy in our stomach and cause many digestive problems, including IBS, nausea, constipation etc.; (2) Our immune system shuts down. It’s more important to fight the (imaginary) bear or the lion so our body stops fighting bacteria and viruses, and we may find ourselves “catching a cold” after an especially stressful period in our lives; (3) Our pre-frontal cortex or ‘adult’ brain shuts down and we revert to our automatic or child-brain, which is not equipped with the logic or reasoning abilities to deal with the situation at hand. In reality, we become quite inept and unable to creatively solve the ‘crisis’. This leads to a feeling of helplessness and lack of control over our lives.
How can we manage stress more effectively?
Dr. Randy Paterson suggests that we think of stress as involving four elements and coping can occur at any or all of the four:
• Situation: this is the series of events that triggered the whole process. We can cope by restructuring our lives, managing our time better, letting go of some activities and responsibilities, and learning to say no. ASK for a gap away from the trigger situation until you can calm down and assess everything more clearly.
• Interpretation: am I looking at the situation and appraising it clearly? Do I have some underlying assumptions that are negatively affecting the situation?
• Response: we can use the stress response and use it as a cue to engage in a calming procedure – exercise or relaxation techniques.
• Resistance: This is our underlying physical resistance to stress – to what degree is my stress response on a “hair trigger”? We can increase our physical resistance to stress by limiting our daily caffeine intake, exercising, eating a healthy diet, getting the proper multi-vitamins and supplements, and getting enough sleep.
If you feel you have been overly stressed and overwhelmed lately, you may want to consider working with a counsellor who could provide you with various relaxation techniques. Working with a counsellor can also help in figuring out the automatic negative thoughts, and replacing unhelpful ideas with more reality based ones.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263
The Four Pillars of Self Esteem
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
(Adapted from the Anxiety and Phobia workbook, p. 274-305)
Self Esteem is defined as a way of thinking, feeling, and acting that implies that you:
• Accept yourself
• Respect yourself
• Trust in yourself
• Believe in yourself
When you accept yourself, you can live comfortably with both your personal strengths and weaknesses without undue self-criticism. Your internal voice is loving and non-judgmental. If you make mistakes, you take the lessons learnt and move on without prolonged self punishment.
When you respect yourself, you acknowledge your own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself well in much the same way you would treat someone else you respect.
When there is self-trust, your behaviours and feelings are consistent enough to give you an inner sense of continuity and coherence despite changes and challenges in your external environment.
When you believe in yourself, you feel you deserve to have the good things in life. You have confidence that you can fulfill your deepest personal needs, aspirations and goals.
We may define our self worth by what others think of us. There is some criticism that is warranted. Freeman and Dewolf (1990) suggest that we can learn from listening to criticism and does not mean accepting all criticism as equally valid.
Just because someone tells you that you have failed, does that make it true? Is all criticism equally valid?
There will always be people in your life who may try to manipulate you or force you into feeling as if you woulda/coulda/shoulda done more (Freeman and Dewolf), no matter how much or how well you’ve done. If you already feel negative about yourself, this kind of manipulation may push one into deep sadness and loss of control. ALWAYS ask yourself first “Who is telling me this? How reliable is this critic?”
BECOME the critic of the criticism rather than uncritically accepting all comments as reality.
The basis for your self worth is internal. Growing in self esteem means developing confidence and strength from within.
Working with a counsellor may be a helpful way to strengthen your self respect and self esteem, especially if you're going through a transitional phase in your life.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Self Esteem Counsellor.
QUOTES ON THE POWER OF WORDS
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
Many of us are concerned with the whole concept of "communication". Simply said, communication is the sharing of our own thoughts and feelings, AND also truly listening to what our loved ones, friends and colleagues are telling us.
How often do we sit and consider the power of the words that pour out of our mouths so easily? Words are powerful. Infinitely powerful. Someone once told me that words are like the feathers in a pillow case. If you rip that pillow case and the feathers fly out, you will still see a feather flying around months later! Words can either encourage, motivate and empower or like a sword, destroy a person's very being.
I love the following quotes on the "Power of Words":
“Speak only after your words have managed to pass through four gates. At the first gate, we should ask ourselves: "Are these words true?" If so, we let them pass on: if not, back they go. At the second gate we ask: "Are they necessary?" At the third gate we ask: "Are they beneficial?" And at the fourth gate, we ask: "Are they kind?" If the answer to any of these is no, then what you are about to say should be left unsaid.” ~ Sufi Tradition
“Words have a magical power. They can bring either the greatest happiness or deepest despair; they can transfer knowledge from teacher to student; words enable the orator to sway his audience and dictate its decisions. Words are capable of arousing the strongest emotions and prompting all men's actions.” ~ Sigmund Freud
“If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” ~ Albert Einstein
“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.” ~ From freethechildren.org.
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” Mother Teresa
"Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul, health to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24
“Words are the keys to the heart.” Chinese proverb
"Kind words can warm for three winters, while harsh words can chill even in the heat of summer.” Chinese proverb
“A candle loses nothing of it’s light by lighting another candle.” ~ Source Unknown
“By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.” ~ Sir Winston Churchill
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.” ~ Dale Carnegie
"A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men. It is the bread of the spirit, it clotheth the words with meaning, it is the fountain of the light of wisdom and understanding" ~ Baha’u’llah
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
QUOTES FOR IMPROVING SELF-ESTEEM
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
I love these quotes and hope you enjoy them too:
“Our dependency makes slaves out of us, especially if this dependency is a dependency of our self-esteem. If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge.” ~ Fritz Perls
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
“Man is not intended to see through the eyes of another, hear through another's ears nor comprehend with another's brain. Each human creature has individual endowment, power and responsibility in the creative plan of God. Therefore depend upon your own reason and judgment and adhere to the outcome of your own investigation…” ~ Abdu’l-Bahá
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.” ~ Unknown
“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.” ~ Thomas Carlyle
“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers -- but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change.” ~ Katherine Hepburn.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
“If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” ~ Unknown Author
“A man who doesn't trust himself can never really trust anyone else.” ~ Cardinal De Retz
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Self Esteem Counsellor.
UNDERSTANDING BOUNDARIES
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
An important way of taking care of yourself is to set strong and healthy boundaries around yourself and your life. A boundary is like an invisible line around you (not a wall). It is what separates you from other people. It is the line between what you are comfortable with and what you are uncomfortable with, what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable to you. Boundaries help protect not only our physical safety, but also our own emotional well-being. The purpose of boundaries is to take care of you and means you respect yourself. When you respect yourself, you protect yourself from inappropriate behaviour. In healthy relationships, people respect each other’s boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are flexible. You might open your boundaries to let people you trust closer to you – you might share more information with them and feel more comfortable being physically close to them. But with people you don’t know as well or people you distrust, you will probably keep your boundaries closed more tightly by not getting too personal.
Boundaries are not just for controlling which people we want to be close to us. Healthy boundaries allow us to control all sorts of things in our lives, including our own behaviours and which behaviours we will accept from others. Abuse happens when one person violates another person’s boundaries.
Are your boundaries being violated? Or perhaps you feel as though you have no boundaries? If you'd like to set clear and healthy boundaries, counselling may be the answer.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Self Esteem Counsellor.
5 Common Myths about Grief
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
(Adapted from article written by Alan D. Wolfelt, 1989)
1. Grief and mourning are the same experience.
Grief is the thoughts and feelings that are experienced within oneself upon the death of someone loved: grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of bereavement.
Mourning is the action of expressing and sharing one’s grief outside of oneself. When you express your grief, you are mourning. The specific ways in which people express their mourning are influenced by customs of their culture.
2. There is a predictable and orderly stage like progression to the experience of mourning.
There is no prescription as to how one should grieve. Different people mourn in different ways. Expecting anything less would be to demonstrate a lack of respect for the uniqueness of that individual.
3. It is best to move away from grief instead of toward it.
Many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced. In our society it is expected for the mourner to be strong, suffer in silence and refuse to allow tears. It is only through the process of moving towards pain that we move toward eventual healing.
4. Following the death of someone significant to you, the goal is to “get over” your grief.
You don’t get over your grief. Everyone is changed by the experience of grief. Through “reconciliation”, a person works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who has died. What occurs is a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, the capacity to become re-involved with the activity of living.
5. Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.
Crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows one to communicate a need to be comforted. Suppressing anger may increase stress related disorders. The expression of tears is not a sign of weakness. The capacity of the mourner to share tears is an indication of the willingness to do the “work of mourning”.
Have you had a recent loss of a loved one in your life? Counselling may help the healing process and provide you with an opportunity to lay to rest the normal emotions that arise after the death of a loved one such as anger, guilt and relief.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca.
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Grief and Loss Counsellor.
10 Shortcuts to Happiness
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
Are you happy? Would you like to improve your level of happiness? Challenge yourself to pick one of the ten points below and practice it for the next week:
1) Be passionate about something. Pick a new hobby. Whether it’s art, cooking, writing, running, salsa dancing, horse back riding or graphic design, find something you truly enjoy. This passion leads to a sense of accomplishment and purpose in life.
2) Live on a day to day basis. Plan ahead but live for today. Use your resources and past learning experiences to deal with the challenges of day to day living and continually remind yourself of those difficult days and how you made it through them, and will do so again.
3) You always have choices. At different times in our lives, we may say to ourselves that we don’t have a choice. However, there are always different avenues that could be explored. We keep doing the same old thing and yet expect different results. By not making choices, we have also made the choice not to make a choice!
4) Surround yourself with people who have your best interest in mind. We all have an innate need to belong. Choose friends that make you feel loved and want to improve in life, rather than the opposite.
5) We teach people how to treat us. Teach those around you that you are worth something. By taking care of ourselves and our basic needs, we can let go of resentment that may rear its ugly head because we feel our needs are not being met.
6) Get what you want! Do you expect your partner to be a mind reader? How could he/she not know what it is they were meant to do, at this exact hour, without you telling them?! Help those around you to understand what you need, rather than expecting them to know it at all times.
7) Can’t change a situation? Stop worrying about it. Remind yourself that you’ll only worry about something if you can change it. Rumination and constant thoughts of things we can’t change are a waste of your precious energy.
8) STOP self-pity. If you’ve been taking rides on a runaway train called “self-pity”, perhaps you may want to get off at the next stop. We can become addicted to self-pity! We may look outside of ourselves and place blame on everyone and everything around us and believe we’re the victims of daily punishments. That leaves us feeling out of control and angry at the world. When you find yourself feeling anxious, pointing and blaming others, say the word STOP and:
9) Find something in the situation for which you are grateful. Much like fire and water, gratitude and anxiety cannot occupy the same space. What are you grateful for?
10) Adopt a virtue. Someone once told me that in order to grow spiritually, we can focus on one virtue at a time and all the rest will come. If I focus my attention on the virtue of “Patience”, and truly dedicate my life to becoming that patient person, I will need to practice other virtues as well: kindness, love, justice, forbearance etc. One can’t forget the power of spiritual growth in the search of happiness.
If the above points seem unreachable and you’ve been feeling blue for an extended period of time, ask yourself the following questions: have my sleeping or eating patterns changed? Do I have difficulty making decisions? Am I unable to concentrate? Does life seem hopeless? Depression is the “common cold” of mental health. It is treatable and you may want to speak with your doctor, and make an appointment with me or a counsellor of your choice to find out whether clincial counselling is a good option for you.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Self Esteem Counsellor.