The Five Love Languages
By Tabasom Eblaghie
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Generate Hope Counselling Services
Adapted from the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
LOVE:
Part of maintaining a friendship-based relationship includes ensuring that you know how to express love for each other and do it well. If you are having doubts whether your partner loves you, or your partner is uncertain about your feelings, your relationship begins to feel very insecure. The more you use loving words and practice loving actions towards each other, the more your feelings of love will grow. One of our most basic needs is the need to be loved. It is essential to our emotional health.
Knowing how to express one’s love is more than just saying the words ‘I love you’, even though this may be a part of it.
Gary Chapman quotes Dr. Ross Campbell, a child psychiatrist:
“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehaviour of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty love tank.”
This can also be applied to adults. When one’s love tank is on empty, you may see ‘misbehaviour’ as a misguided search for the love one doesn’t feel.
The need to be loved is at the heart of one’s relationship desires. The most cruel of all punishments is solitary confinement – isolation is devastating to our mental and overall well-being.
In the Sacred Scriptures of many religions it is written that man and woman, upon marriage, become as one. In a loving relationship, which is founded on justice, equality and unity, marriage becomes that fortress of well-being.
What happens when our emotional love tank’s gauge is on empty? Running your marriage on an empty love tank is destructive to the marriage, and to your own well-being.
Gary Chapman has identified FIVE DIFFERENT ways of showing our love, or the Five Love Languages. We express our love in a variety of ways and if we don’t receive love in the language which we speak, then we may end up feeling unloved. In order for our partner to feel loved, we must learn to speak THEIR love language or our efforts will be wasted. To determine your love language and that of your partner's, look at the following list and answer the questions that follow:
LOVE LANGUAGE #1 – WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Using words that build up the other person;
Verbal compliments & words of appreciation;
Praise
Encouraging language – words that inspire courage;
Noticing and appreciating the other’s positive actions and qualities
Focuses on what we are saying.
LOVE LANGUAGE #2 – QUALITY TIME
Being available
Doing something enjoyable and interactive together
Giving someone our undivided, uninterrupted and focused attention
Togetherness
Quality conversation – focuses on what we’re hearing.
Creating memorable moments
Self revealing intimacy
LOVE LANGUAGE # 3 – GIFTS
Tangible objects freely offered
Visual symbols of love: “I was thinking of you”.
Gifts of any shape, colour, size or price
Visual symbols of love with no strings attached or to cover up a failure
They are given any time and not just on special occasions
Easiest of all love language.
LOVE LANGUAGE # 4 – ACTS OF SERVICE
Willingly doing things for others in order to show our love;
Welcome helpfulness
Timely and positive response to requests (not demands) of the other
Acts of kindness
Done with a loving attitude (not fear, guilt or resentment)
Acts that reflect equality and partnership
Requires thought, planning, time, effort and energy.
LOVE LANGUAGE # 5 – PHYSICAL TOUCH
Fundamental to the development of our brain - children who are held, hugged and kissed develop healthier emotional life;
Holding hands, kissing, embracing, cuddling all forms of this love language;
Loving (never abusive) physical contact at appropriate times and places
Tender hugs, touches or pats on the arm, shoulder and back
Physical touch can communicate hate or love
Sexual relationship
Holding while crying and comforting
Very important in times of crisis.
Three ways to discover your own primary love language:
1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?
To determine someone else’s love language, Chapman recommends:
Observing their expressions, complaints and requests
Asking questions
Experimenting with offering each love language to a partner, friend or relative and observing their responses.
Feeling loved is at the core of a loving relationship. Often arguments, irritation at our partner or anger arises when we feel unloved and unheard. If you have been experiencing these issues in your relationship, perhaps its time to seek counselling before its too late.
To make an appointment for couples counselling with Tabasom, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at 604-465-4263.
SELF CONFIDENCE
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
Self confidence is an issue that many individuals struggle with. I love the following definition of what confidence is which I found through the "Virtues Project" cards by Linda Kavelin Popov, who is also the author of The Family Virtues Guide:
Confidence is having faith in ourselves and in life. We feel capable and competent. We trust that we have the strength to cope with whatever happens. Confidence helps us to be free of worry. When we are confident in others, we believe in them and rely on them. We build self-confidence as we learn from our mistakes and improve for the better. Confidence brings the strength to try new things, to gain mastery through practice. With confidence, we can off self-limiting beliefs and doubts. We offer our gifts as a worthy contribution. When opportunity comes, we step up to it. We just say “yes”.~ The Virtues Project
Philosophers and great writers of our time have contemplated this issue and below are some of my favourite quotes on the subject:
“Only a person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.” ~ Erich Fromm
~ I have the strength to face what life brings me ~
“Man has two powers, and his development two aspects. One power is connected with the material world and by it he is capable of material advancement. The other power is spiritual and through its development his inner, potential nature is awakened. These powers are like two wings. Both must be developed, for flight is impossible with one wing.”
~ 'Abdu’l-Baha
"A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her." ~David Brinkley
~ I act with self-assurance
“Whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right.” ~Henry Ford
“I quit being afraid when my first venture failed and the sky didn't fall down.” ~Allen H. Neuharth
~ I treat others as trustworthy ~
“If you put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” ~Author Unknown
“It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.” ~Sally Field
~ I bless my mistakes and learn from them ~
“People are crying up the rich and variegated plumage of the peacock, and he is himself blushing at the sight of his ugly feet.” ~Sa'Di
“Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” ~Veronica A. Shoffstall
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” ~ African Proverb
“The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.” ~Author Unknown
~ I patiently practice until I master something ~
“Do not, therefore, throw away your confidence, for it carries a great reward.” Hebrews, 10:35
~ I fully express my talents and ideas ~
“To live is to choose. But to choose, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go, and why you want to get there.” ~ Kofi Annan
“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.” ~ Confucious
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” ~Thomas Edison
”If I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
~ I maintain a positive attitude ~
“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.” ~ Lao Tzu
THE STRESS RESPONSE
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
Have you been under a lot of stress lately? That’s not so unusual in our North American lifestyle where 12-16 hour days at some workplaces are not only encouraged, but expected. Additional responsibilities like running a household, parenting, family expectations, issues with friends and other activities can make us long for 28 hour days!
Stress is very closely related to a variety of emotions: anger, anxiety, depression, fear, excitement, etc. The stress response developed in pre-historic man as a mechanism for dealing with threat: you see a lion or bear, either stay and fight or run! Those who ran the fastest lived on to reproduce and have off springs. Others weren’t so lucky. Survival of the fittest created an advantage for the ones who made themselves stronger whenever they were threatened.
The stress response is an extremely clever system. When its activated, blood rushes away from the skin and our internal, digestive system to the large muscles in our legs and arms, preparing us to either run or stay and fight. Our heart rate goes up and respiration increases to maximize the amount of oxygen available to us. Sugar is released into the bloodstream by the liver. We sweat more in anticipation of the heat generated by running or fighting. Our concentration narrows and our senses sharpen. We feel anger or anxiety and fear. All of these are created to improve our ability to survive the impending physical crisis.
At some point in our lives, the stress response is definitely helpful. However, most of them time we don’t have lions or bears in our environment! The stress response in a lot of cases becomes active and perhaps a constant false alarm, and endless worry sets in.
When the stress response is activated a few things happen: (1) Our internal organs shut down so if we have just had a meal, the food may feel like lead and heavy in our stomach and cause many digestive problems, including IBS, nausea, constipation etc.; (2) Our immune system shuts down. It’s more important to fight the (imaginary) bear or the lion so our body stops fighting bacteria and viruses, and we may find ourselves “catching a cold” after an especially stressful period in our lives; (3) Our pre-frontal cortex or ‘adult’ brain shuts down and we revert to our automatic or child-brain, which is not equipped with the logic or reasoning abilities to deal with the situation at hand. In reality, we become quite inept and unable to creatively solve the ‘crisis’. This leads to a feeling of helplessness and lack of control over our lives.
How can we manage stress more effectively?
Dr. Randy Paterson suggests that we think of stress as involving four elements and coping can occur at any or all of the four:
• Situation: this is the series of events that triggered the whole process. We can cope by restructuring our lives, managing our time better, letting go of some activities and responsibilities, and learning to say no. ASK for a gap away from the trigger situation until you can calm down and assess everything more clearly.
• Interpretation: am I looking at the situation and appraising it clearly? Do I have some underlying assumptions that are negatively affecting the situation?
• Response: we can use the stress response and use it as a cue to engage in a calming procedure – exercise or relaxation techniques.
• Resistance: This is our underlying physical resistance to stress – to what degree is my stress response on a “hair trigger”? We can increase our physical resistance to stress by limiting our daily caffeine intake, exercising, eating a healthy diet, getting the proper multi-vitamins and supplements, and getting enough sleep.
If you feel you have been overly stressed and overwhelmed lately, you may want to consider working with a counsellor who could provide you with various relaxation techniques. Working with a counsellor can also help in figuring out the automatic negative thoughts, and replacing unhelpful ideas with more reality based ones.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263
The Four Pillars of Self Esteem
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
(Adapted from the Anxiety and Phobia workbook, p. 274-305)
Self Esteem is defined as a way of thinking, feeling, and acting that implies that you:
• Accept yourself
• Respect yourself
• Trust in yourself
• Believe in yourself
When you accept yourself, you can live comfortably with both your personal strengths and weaknesses without undue self-criticism. Your internal voice is loving and non-judgmental. If you make mistakes, you take the lessons learnt and move on without prolonged self punishment.
When you respect yourself, you acknowledge your own dignity and value as a unique human being. You treat yourself well in much the same way you would treat someone else you respect.
When there is self-trust, your behaviours and feelings are consistent enough to give you an inner sense of continuity and coherence despite changes and challenges in your external environment.
When you believe in yourself, you feel you deserve to have the good things in life. You have confidence that you can fulfill your deepest personal needs, aspirations and goals.
We may define our self worth by what others think of us. There is some criticism that is warranted. Freeman and Dewolf (1990) suggest that we can learn from listening to criticism and does not mean accepting all criticism as equally valid.
Just because someone tells you that you have failed, does that make it true? Is all criticism equally valid?
There will always be people in your life who may try to manipulate you or force you into feeling as if you woulda/coulda/shoulda done more (Freeman and Dewolf), no matter how much or how well you’ve done. If you already feel negative about yourself, this kind of manipulation may push one into deep sadness and loss of control. ALWAYS ask yourself first “Who is telling me this? How reliable is this critic?”
BECOME the critic of the criticism rather than uncritically accepting all comments as reality.
The basis for your self worth is internal. Growing in self esteem means developing confidence and strength from within.
Working with a counsellor may be a helpful way to strengthen your self respect and self esteem, especially if you're going through a transitional phase in your life.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Self Esteem Counsellor.
QUOTES ON THE POWER OF WORDS
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
Many of us are concerned with the whole concept of "communication". Simply said, communication is the sharing of our own thoughts and feelings, AND also truly listening to what our loved ones, friends and colleagues are telling us.
How often do we sit and consider the power of the words that pour out of our mouths so easily? Words are powerful. Infinitely powerful. Someone once told me that words are like the feathers in a pillow case. If you rip that pillow case and the feathers fly out, you will still see a feather flying around months later! Words can either encourage, motivate and empower or like a sword, destroy a person's very being.
I love the following quotes on the "Power of Words":
“Speak only after your words have managed to pass through four gates. At the first gate, we should ask ourselves: "Are these words true?" If so, we let them pass on: if not, back they go. At the second gate we ask: "Are they necessary?" At the third gate we ask: "Are they beneficial?" And at the fourth gate, we ask: "Are they kind?" If the answer to any of these is no, then what you are about to say should be left unsaid.” ~ Sufi Tradition
“Words have a magical power. They can bring either the greatest happiness or deepest despair; they can transfer knowledge from teacher to student; words enable the orator to sway his audience and dictate its decisions. Words are capable of arousing the strongest emotions and prompting all men's actions.” ~ Sigmund Freud
“If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” ~ Albert Einstein
“Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.” ~ From freethechildren.org.
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” Mother Teresa
"Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul, health to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24
“Words are the keys to the heart.” Chinese proverb
"Kind words can warm for three winters, while harsh words can chill even in the heat of summer.” Chinese proverb
“A candle loses nothing of it’s light by lighting another candle.” ~ Source Unknown
“By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.” ~ Sir Winston Churchill
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.” ~ Dale Carnegie
"A kindly tongue is the lodestone of the hearts of men. It is the bread of the spirit, it clotheth the words with meaning, it is the fountain of the light of wisdom and understanding" ~ Baha’u’llah
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
QUOTES FOR IMPROVING SELF-ESTEEM
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
I love these quotes and hope you enjoy them too:
“Our dependency makes slaves out of us, especially if this dependency is a dependency of our self-esteem. If you need encouragement, praise, pats on the back from everybody, then you make everybody your judge.” ~ Fritz Perls
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
“Man is not intended to see through the eyes of another, hear through another's ears nor comprehend with another's brain. Each human creature has individual endowment, power and responsibility in the creative plan of God. Therefore depend upon your own reason and judgment and adhere to the outcome of your own investigation…” ~ Abdu’l-Bahá
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.” ~ Unknown
“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.” ~ Thomas Carlyle
“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers -- but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change.” ~ Katherine Hepburn.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
“If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.” ~ Unknown Author
“A man who doesn't trust himself can never really trust anyone else.” ~ Cardinal De Retz
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Self Esteem Counsellor.
UNDERSTANDING BOUNDARIES
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
An important way of taking care of yourself is to set strong and healthy boundaries around yourself and your life. A boundary is like an invisible line around you (not a wall). It is what separates you from other people. It is the line between what you are comfortable with and what you are uncomfortable with, what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable to you. Boundaries help protect not only our physical safety, but also our own emotional well-being. The purpose of boundaries is to take care of you and means you respect yourself. When you respect yourself, you protect yourself from inappropriate behaviour. In healthy relationships, people respect each other’s boundaries.
Healthy boundaries are flexible. You might open your boundaries to let people you trust closer to you – you might share more information with them and feel more comfortable being physically close to them. But with people you don’t know as well or people you distrust, you will probably keep your boundaries closed more tightly by not getting too personal.
Boundaries are not just for controlling which people we want to be close to us. Healthy boundaries allow us to control all sorts of things in our lives, including our own behaviours and which behaviours we will accept from others. Abuse happens when one person violates another person’s boundaries.
Are your boundaries being violated? Or perhaps you feel as though you have no boundaries? If you'd like to set clear and healthy boundaries, counselling may be the answer.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Self Esteem Counsellor.
5 Common Myths about Grief
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
(Adapted from article written by Alan D. Wolfelt, 1989)
1. Grief and mourning are the same experience.
Grief is the thoughts and feelings that are experienced within oneself upon the death of someone loved: grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of bereavement.
Mourning is the action of expressing and sharing one’s grief outside of oneself. When you express your grief, you are mourning. The specific ways in which people express their mourning are influenced by customs of their culture.
2. There is a predictable and orderly stage like progression to the experience of mourning.
There is no prescription as to how one should grieve. Different people mourn in different ways. Expecting anything less would be to demonstrate a lack of respect for the uniqueness of that individual.
3. It is best to move away from grief instead of toward it.
Many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced. In our society it is expected for the mourner to be strong, suffer in silence and refuse to allow tears. It is only through the process of moving towards pain that we move toward eventual healing.
4. Following the death of someone significant to you, the goal is to “get over” your grief.
You don’t get over your grief. Everyone is changed by the experience of grief. Through “reconciliation”, a person works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who has died. What occurs is a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, the capacity to become re-involved with the activity of living.
5. Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.
Crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows one to communicate a need to be comforted. Suppressing anger may increase stress related disorders. The expression of tears is not a sign of weakness. The capacity of the mourner to share tears is an indication of the willingness to do the “work of mourning”.
Have you had a recent loss of a loved one in your life? Counselling may help the healing process and provide you with an opportunity to lay to rest the normal emotions that arise after the death of a loved one such as anger, guilt and relief.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca.
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Grief and Loss Counsellor.
10 Shortcuts to Happiness
By Tabasom Eblaghie, Registered Clinical Counsellor
Westgate Wellness Centre, Maple Ridge
Are you happy? Would you like to improve your level of happiness? Challenge yourself to pick one of the ten points below and practice it for the next week:
1) Be passionate about something. Pick a new hobby. Whether it’s art, cooking, writing, running, salsa dancing, horse back riding or graphic design, find something you truly enjoy. This passion leads to a sense of accomplishment and purpose in life.
2) Live on a day to day basis. Plan ahead but live for today. Use your resources and past learning experiences to deal with the challenges of day to day living and continually remind yourself of those difficult days and how you made it through them, and will do so again.
3) You always have choices. At different times in our lives, we may say to ourselves that we don’t have a choice. However, there are always different avenues that could be explored. We keep doing the same old thing and yet expect different results. By not making choices, we have also made the choice not to make a choice!
4) Surround yourself with people who have your best interest in mind. We all have an innate need to belong. Choose friends that make you feel loved and want to improve in life, rather than the opposite.
5) We teach people how to treat us. Teach those around you that you are worth something. By taking care of ourselves and our basic needs, we can let go of resentment that may rear its ugly head because we feel our needs are not being met.
6) Get what you want! Do you expect your partner to be a mind reader? How could he/she not know what it is they were meant to do, at this exact hour, without you telling them?! Help those around you to understand what you need, rather than expecting them to know it at all times.
7) Can’t change a situation? Stop worrying about it. Remind yourself that you’ll only worry about something if you can change it. Rumination and constant thoughts of things we can’t change are a waste of your precious energy.
8) STOP self-pity. If you’ve been taking rides on a runaway train called “self-pity”, perhaps you may want to get off at the next stop. We can become addicted to self-pity! We may look outside of ourselves and place blame on everyone and everything around us and believe we’re the victims of daily punishments. That leaves us feeling out of control and angry at the world. When you find yourself feeling anxious, pointing and blaming others, say the word STOP and:
9) Find something in the situation for which you are grateful. Much like fire and water, gratitude and anxiety cannot occupy the same space. What are you grateful for?
10) Adopt a virtue. Someone once told me that in order to grow spiritually, we can focus on one virtue at a time and all the rest will come. If I focus my attention on the virtue of “Patience”, and truly dedicate my life to becoming that patient person, I will need to practice other virtues as well: kindness, love, justice, forbearance etc. One can’t forget the power of spiritual growth in the search of happiness.
If the above points seem unreachable and you’ve been feeling blue for an extended period of time, ask yourself the following questions: have my sleeping or eating patterns changed? Do I have difficulty making decisions? Am I unable to concentrate? Does life seem hopeless? Depression is the “common cold” of mental health. It is treatable and you may want to speak with your doctor, and make an appointment with me or a counsellor of your choice to find out whether clincial counselling is a good option for you.
Call Tabasom today at (604)889-3635 or e-mail tabasom@generatehope.ca
To make an appointment, please call the receptionist at Westgate Wellness Centre at (604)465-4263.
Tabasom Eblaghie, your Self Esteem Counsellor.